I had a spiritual awakening on a kayak today.
I just spent the past several days on a family vacation. I had been with other people all week with very little alone time, feeling stressed out because I wasn’t working on my business as much as I had wanted to, and was over-indulging on wine, ice cream and french fries. (It’s a delicate balance between work and play as an entrepreneur, you know.)
Anyways... I decided to take my family’s kayak out on the small pond behind their house this morning. I made my way out to the center of the pond where the water was still and calm. I just floated there in the kayak for a while listening to the sound of the birds and the trees rustling in the wind, feeling the warm sun on my skin, and admiring the way the blues of the water and the greens of the land complimented each other just so perfectly. I suddenly noticed that the biggest smile had popped up on my face. And in that moment, I realized something: this is the happiness I’ve spent so much time looking for.
I realized right then and there that this is what it’s all about. This feeling. Because in that moment, floating in a kayak alone on a beautiful pond, I was at peace. I was at peace with myself, with my decisions, with my past, future, and present. I was at peace with my highs and my lows, with my successes and my mistakes. With all my thoughts and fears and beliefs. I knew that this inner peace was of my own doing, a result of making decisions in my life and taking action toward the things that made me light up - things like leaving my job to start my coaching business, completing my yoga teacher training, and inspiring women to feel empowered on their own journeys.
As I felt all of this and realized I was so happy because my life was in line with how I wanted it to be just a few years ago, I started to experience a new feeling. Something different. I started to feel something bigger than just me. Something else.
I suddenly didn’t feel alone anymore.
I looked down to my left and watched in awe as a drop of water fell from the kayak paddle into the pond, creating a ripple on the surface. I realized how many billions of drops of water there were in this pond, and how within each one was both nothing and everything. How we are all really nothing but also everything, and how both of those statements can be true at the same time. How everything is really just nothing, except what it is, which is everything.
And then I started to feel light. Not just from the glowing sun above, but from all sides of me, shining in all directions. The light was around me and within me. It was in the drops of water, in the sound of the birds, in the blue of the sky, in the space between the leaves on the trees that surrounded me. It was just all light. Both nothing and everything.
I noticed that I felt held, like I was being embraced by the warmest, most loving energy I’ve ever experienced. And it was then that I knew it to be my Truth, and I recognized this energy to be the Source from which I came, from which everything came. I felt the Universe surrounding me like a hug, reminding me that I am so divinely loved and supported. And for a blissfully sweet moment, I knew it to be true. I knew that I am so loved and that I am truly worthy of every beautiful ounce of that love.
In that moment, I forgave myself for forgetting about this love. For forgetting the Truth, for forgetting how insanely cherished and held I always am by the Universe, for forgetting that I deserve every bit of its love and guidance. I forgave myself for believing in my fears (for that’s what happens when we are disconnected from our Truth). I forgave myself for every mistake I’ve made, for every time I’ve let myself be abused, for every second I’ve lived out of alignment.
It was like a blissed-out high, and I couldn’t get enough. It was almost too good to be true.
And just as soon as this feeling came, it left again. I felt a need to go back, to return to the house, to “get things done”. (Like anything could ever be more important than connecting with the Divine Source energy from a kayak in the middle of a pond, am I right?) But that’s the way the mind works. It pulls you back into what we think is reality. Back to the to-do lists, the priorities, the projects and the people we must tend to. Which is fine, because that’s what it’s like to be human. That’s what the Universe wants us to do - then it gets a chance to experience life through us, as us.
The key is to remember. To remember what it’s like to be held and loved by the Universe. To remember where you came from, and that you’re always being guided and supported. That you’re never alone. That you’re actually one with everything you see - the drops of water, the sound of the birds, the blue of the sky, the space between the leaves on the trees. All of it.
You’re both nothing and everything, all at once.
Your only job is to remember.